Two boobs, one baby. What could possibly go wrong?

I've thought about writing this piece for quite a while.  I guess there are two reasons for my delay. 1: The politics of breastfeeding. For something so natural it can be incredibly divisive and controversial (that's what the media would have you believe anyway). I just wanted to make sure what I said wouldn't offend anyone. 2: The main reason however is a bit more personal; breastfeeding nearly broke me. Quite frankly, recalling those early days is still painful and I wish it could have been different. However if something positive can come from what happened to me then let it be this: If you have struggled with breastfeeding or are struggling still- you are not alone and it is not your fault. If you are pregnant and thinking about breastfeeding, don't be scared just prepare yourself as much as possible for what might not necessarily be a naturally easy process. 

Some people have few or no problems with breastfeeding, however I feel that the real problems many women experience are swept under the carpet or not fully examined before the event. In recent years NHS funding for breastfeeding support has been cut or scrapped completely. There is a shortage of midwives, funding cuts in antenatal and postnatal care and infant feeding specialists are being phased out. All of this has possibly contributed to a decline in the number of women continuing with breastfeeding in the weeks following the birth of their baby. Although the initiation of breastfeeding is still on the rise, many women do not continue with it and in my experience one of the many factors that has contributed to this is the support given to women before birth and immediately after their baby is born.  Unfortunately I have found that breastfeeding education and information has been replaced by an idealistic and rather dogmatic agenda which frequently is delivered in a series of lectures. It would appear that no one has the time or expertise to really go into the details of potential problems with breastfeeding that many women encounter. 

If you follow the NHS antenatal class, those of you who are lucky enough to still have one, you are bombarded with leaflets and pictures of babies gaping towards nipples. Don't even get me started with the knitted boob! You are also told 'We're not allowed to talk to you about bottle feeding. But there's a leaflet over there' *midwife points to pile of leaflets as if it were a huge steaming dog turd in the middle of the room*. Surely a terrifying indictment of a woman's right to choose how they feed their baby? Not to mention a way to pass judgement if they don't find breastfeeding easy. How are they supposed to approach their midwife for support if they won't even discuss other feeding options with them? We're not allowed to talk to you about that?! A dummy is not a dummy it is a non-nutritive sucking device. Now before I give you this teat are you sure? There is a chance your child will become a drug dealer if I hand it over. So, useless are the years of training, experience both personal and professional, let alone expertise and instinct. All to be replaced by protocol and sodding leaflets filled with the word BEST! It's not BEST it's just a natural process. Talk about setting up someone to fail. If I can't provide my child with the BEST then I must be doing something wrong.

 If you go on a private breastfeeding class, it may be more detailed but it is so laden with their own agenda it is hard to decipher what information you really need to take forwards. Bless them, they try hard these breastfeeding counsellors with their pretty, wholesome pictures of the whole family gathered around the maternal bosom and their role play games. We bloody know breastfeeding is good for our baby just tell us what it is really like and how to do it! Most women want to breastfeed their babies, I'm sure of it. It's cheaper for a start. There is also the feeling of satisfaction that comes from nurturing your baby from your own mighty bosom. Not to mention, if like me your boobs have always been on the generous side, there's got to be some point to all that swelling. Unfortunately it ain't what it looks like in those helpful videos and pictures. Not once did my child, when lain across my middle managed to scramble his way towards my nipple and just attach himself. Oh no, it was a world away from that. And because it isn't what we are lead to believe it will be like for so many women we are shamed into thinking it is our fault in some way. 

It all started at midnight on the 25th April 2013.. don't worry I will spare you the gory details. Suffice to say, 10 hours later, after surprising the midwife by dilating to 9 cm on just a tens machine I was finally given some gas and air and started pushing. Unfortunately I was then pushing for another 2 hours. The result- one v grumpy and tired baby. I was still in shock. The 11 days I had left of my maternity leave before D day were meant to be for a final reading up on feeding and list making, maybe some cup cake baking. Baby boy had other ideas. 

Then the trauma really began. I would happily give birth all over again than go through the hell of the five days and four nights I had to spend in hospital to get breastfeeding established. First of all there was the sleepy baby. He basically had a headache for two days and when he finally did wake up he was so angry he would turn himself purple with rage and wouldn't latch on but just scream instead. We used to call it HULK SMASH! If he wasn't purple he was yellow. Just normal jaundice but they kept testing him anyway- another way to make me feel guilty as it is linked to feeding. Other things that didn't help were his tongue- not tongue tied but more like the lapping tongue of a kitten, quite cute but not particularly helpful when they need to clamp onto your nipples. Ah the nipples. Where were they then? I'm pretty sure the last time I looked they were there but when it came to the first feed they were nowhere to be seen. I blame the heat of the hospital- you know what happens to your nips when it is cold? Well what could happen to them in 30 degree heat? The exact opposite. So massive jugs with no nips, sleepy then rage filled baby with stupid kitten tongue all add up to major feeding problems. All of this just left me with an overwhelming sense of failure. How come something so natural can be so hard? I felt like I was letting him down. I have never felt so bereft, so isolated and so alone.

Other women and babies came and went from my ward. Women who had had major surgery in the form of a c section, or an epidural. Why couldn't I go home? By day 3 I was just crying all the time, mostly due to the massive surge of hormones attached to my milk coming in. It was like wave after wave of terror and tears- tears that I had no control over at all. Midwife after midwife would come in and out- 'did you have a normal birth?' Errr... I don't know? 'Have you fed your baby yet?' Well he's asleep and now the eager grandparents are here. 'Just give him a bottle' my helpful mother would say. She was looking out for me but it made me feel worse. undermined. 

 For every super amazing midwife and HCA there was a duff one. I must have pressed the call button about a hundred times during my entire stay there. Yes I did need help but I didn't need to be scrutinised or undermined. I wanted it to work so badly but I also wanted to go home. I had to prove my baby was feeding well and putting on weight before they would set me free. The irony to all of this is that if I had said from the beginning I wanted to bottle feed they would have just let me leave, prob the day after delivery. I thought I was doing the right thing but felt like I was being punished. 

Once we got home, things did get easier. Then they got harder again. I was so pleased that my baby was finally latching on I didn't really care that I was in total toe curling agony. Cracked and bleeding nipples lead to mastitis. Every feed was torture. And as he was so hungry all the time we got HULK SMASH again, which we had to pacify with syringes of expressed milk- sometimes up to 15 of these went in before he was calm enough to feed properly. This obviously meant feeding took a long time. The longest spell was two hours with a half hour gap before the next feed. This went on and on until I was thinking of packing it all in. I went to see a lactation consultant- who was amazing. The one thing I am certain of is if it wasn't for her I would have stopped. She helped with the latching on and positioning, but mostly my self confidence at being able to nurture my baby myself. We also went to a cranial osteopath to sort out any trauma from birth. Baby was a bit squished on his way out- he looked like he'd done ten rounds in the ring so the osteopath straightened him out. The feeds got shorter and less painful. However I still had a jaundiced baby. Cue woeful incompetence from our community midwife team. They were fearing liver disease (from their list of go to problems). Had they never seen prolonged jaundice in a baby before? The GP thought they were mad. The jaundice nurse at the hospital thought they were idiots. I was just angry. Yet another reason for me to feel like I was failing my baby by not feeding him properly. It took 3 and a half weeks for him to stop looking like Bart Simpson and for the midwife to finally discharge us. 

 I did a lot of soul searching in those early weeks and sought a lot of advice from friends- which was invaluable. It took about 4 weeks before I felt happy that we were doing it right. I thought about stopping so many times but I remembered something one of the HCA said to me in hospital. She said in all the years she'd worked there she'd never seen anyone try as hard as me. I had to keep trying. Add that to all the time and money we'd spent on getting breastfeeding to work I could have been setting myself up for an even bigger fall. However, out of hospital and a few weeks in my confidence was such that I had to trust my instinct and make decisions that were right for me and my baby. I have never found breastfeeding hugely enjoyable. It can be quite boring actually and frustrating. Most babies cluster feed in the evening for several hours. Not mine- more like cluster screaming. So we give him a bottle at that time. I can't express any milk via a pump so we use formula. No apologies or explanation needed. 

So where are we now? 
Well 14 weeks in I am still breastfeeding. I am combining it with 2 bottles of formula a day. Initially I would beat myself up about this. But now I know it is right for me and my baby. My baby is happy and healthy and growing well. I am happy and healthy too. 

Well, breastfeeding education classes...they were useful. About as useful as a chocolate teapot. I know my circumstances were quite extreme and if anyone had told me it would be this hard I probably wouldn't have listened or would have demanded sterilisation on the spot. Balance is all I ask. Get rid of the rosy tinted pictures and breast is best slogans. Stop the videos of people playing happy families around the fire breastfeeding all their children merrily while singing Christmas carols (okay that didn't actually happen). Tell us something useful, keep it real, explain ALL options fairly and objectively. Give women the tools to overcome problems instead of not discussing them at all. Hiding away from the truth about breastfeeding only sets up more women to feel like failures when it doesn't go to plan. 

We survived, just about. It was a battle but not anymore. Now it is just something we do. I don't think about those early weeks any more because there are too many exciting things happening right now. My baby is smiling and almost laughing. I have just packed away all his newborn and 0-3 month clothes! He worships me and his eyes follow me around the room. He knows my voice and knows that I love him. Breastfeeding is such a tiny part of a child's life and a tiny part of the huge decision making journey that is being a parent, in the end it doesn't have to be a battle. You just have to feed them. And love them.