Friends with benefits

Well it has been a while. Normally I would sit down to write when my baby sleeps except he doesn't. Not much during the day anyway, and those rare sleepy moments only last about 20 minutes and are usually reserved for: shower, eat, lie down in a dark room.. not always in that order. 

After my last post which was way too long and depressing I thought I would write something a bit more cheery and shorter so those of you who nodded off last time might hope to get to the end. This one is all about friends.

When the hubby and I moved out West two years ago we didn't have many friends. Well, we did (we're not social pariahs or anything) they just weren't round the corner. Except my best mate in the whole world who lives in Bristol, who has saved my sanity more times than I care to imagine and is currently kitting out my child in an array of beautifully crocheted goods.

We could have made more of an effort to meet people, but we were quite happy in our honeymoon state with just each other and spent a lot of time visiting other friends and having people to stay. That was fine for a while but it was wearing us out. Then we decided to have a baby= social life over! 

I will say it now before I get too self indulgent but the friends you make when having a baby are the people that get you through it. Forget all the midwives, doctors, professionals and your mum. The people that hold your hand and make it all seem not so horrific are the other mums that are doing it at the same time as you. 

Now, it is very easy to become completely obsessed with your baby and the bubble you then live within- including those new friends. Every conversation, every thought, every purchase, every glance into the middle distance is taken over by baby. Sometimes you are fortunate enough to be invited out to see non-baby people and HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. This is not a good state of being to get into. Good job most of my only other friends are teachers and I can talk just as obsessively about that. But it is fine because one day those non-baby people might have a baby and then they will understand and you can sit in silence with each other slowly rocking. Because it is not just the conversation about each others' babies that saves you, or the silent rocking, it's mostly the company of other people who have had as little sleep as you (even if they are pretending to make you feel better). 

Thursday is my favourite day of the week. Specifically at 2pm. I meet up with my friends from my NCT antenatal class for coffee and cake and we chat about our week, our babies, our partners with varying degrees of lucidity (see lack of sleep comment above) and then go home feeling refreshed. It is like therapy. We take turns to lean on each other. Sometimes I am the one proferring my 'honest' advice, more often than not I am asking for it. 

Lately I've been struggling. Mostly because of lack of sleep but I think underlying that is a notion that I just can't shake. The notion of this not being all it's cracked up to be and I don't know what I'm doing. I think the lack of sleep is actually making me go insane. Even the simplest task is more difficult when sleep deprived. Things that used to just be slightly irksome now make me apoplectic with rage. There are more and more periods of silence between me and my husband as we are too tired to even talk. 

Last week this extreme tiredness and feelings of doing it all wrong were compounded by our beautiful baby boy deciding that he needed even less sleep than before and would cry and scream most evenings. When he gets like this, only mummy will do which makes me irrationally hate my husband for not being a mummy too! Not his fault but it is wearing rather thin. Grow some boobs! Anyway, with my ever increasing eye bags and glazed expression I took my woes to our last coffee meet up last week and an amazing thing happened. Now, I am not one for asking for help. I have major issues with failure and not showing signs of weakness but that is for another blog. But with this level of tiredness I decided to forego my pride- to preserve any shred of sanity I had left. Once again, my new mummy friends proved they can rally quicker than any army - a force to be reckoned with. I found solace in other people's sleep woes, advice, a plan about what to do next. They even took my baby for a couple of hours on Monday so I could have some sleep. I will be more than happy to return the favour and I hope they get as much back from me when it is my turn again to offer support. 

I think the NCT should rebrand their ante-natal class stuff as- buy some new friends that will take your baby for a couple of hours when you are so tired that you cannot see properly. 

For me, that has been the real benefit of joining an ante-natal class. Forget all the stuff about childbirth! Baby's got to come out somehow and there is not a lot you can do about the manner in which this occurs, as we have all come to realise. NCT you can stick your debates about dummies and useless breastfeeding counsellors but thank you thank you thank you for my lovely new friends. 

Gender specific roles at home and at work

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/08/women-opting-back-in-workforce

Wondering how many people this actually applies to. Granted it is based on American research but there is prob some crossover in principle.

I will be going back to work partly because I am the higher wage earner but also because I want to. I am a teacher, love my job and feel it defines part of who I am- a part that would be lost if I just stayed at home. 

Looking forward to some interesting debate on this issue nearer the time. Not saying I will be looking forward to leaving my son though :-( 

Does raising a child really have to cost the earth?

http://www.freeourkids.co.uk/

An interesting idea and something I would really like to do. Maybe I will buy my kid a load of stuff first and then do it!

Home - Fiona Neill

Home - Fiona Neill

Two boobs, one baby. What could possibly go wrong?

I've thought about writing this piece for quite a while.  I guess there are two reasons for my delay. 1: The politics of breastfeeding. For something so natural it can be incredibly divisive and controversial (that's what the media would have you believe anyway). I just wanted to make sure what I said wouldn't offend anyone. 2: The main reason however is a bit more personal; breastfeeding nearly broke me. Quite frankly, recalling those early days is still painful and I wish it could have been different. However if something positive can come from what happened to me then let it be this: If you have struggled with breastfeeding or are struggling still- you are not alone and it is not your fault. If you are pregnant and thinking about breastfeeding, don't be scared just prepare yourself as much as possible for what might not necessarily be a naturally easy process. 

Some people have few or no problems with breastfeeding, however I feel that the real problems many women experience are swept under the carpet or not fully examined before the event. In recent years NHS funding for breastfeeding support has been cut or scrapped completely. There is a shortage of midwives, funding cuts in antenatal and postnatal care and infant feeding specialists are being phased out. All of this has possibly contributed to a decline in the number of women continuing with breastfeeding in the weeks following the birth of their baby. Although the initiation of breastfeeding is still on the rise, many women do not continue with it and in my experience one of the many factors that has contributed to this is the support given to women before birth and immediately after their baby is born.  Unfortunately I have found that breastfeeding education and information has been replaced by an idealistic and rather dogmatic agenda which frequently is delivered in a series of lectures. It would appear that no one has the time or expertise to really go into the details of potential problems with breastfeeding that many women encounter. 

If you follow the NHS antenatal class, those of you who are lucky enough to still have one, you are bombarded with leaflets and pictures of babies gaping towards nipples. Don't even get me started with the knitted boob! You are also told 'We're not allowed to talk to you about bottle feeding. But there's a leaflet over there' *midwife points to pile of leaflets as if it were a huge steaming dog turd in the middle of the room*. Surely a terrifying indictment of a woman's right to choose how they feed their baby? Not to mention a way to pass judgement if they don't find breastfeeding easy. How are they supposed to approach their midwife for support if they won't even discuss other feeding options with them? We're not allowed to talk to you about that?! A dummy is not a dummy it is a non-nutritive sucking device. Now before I give you this teat are you sure? There is a chance your child will become a drug dealer if I hand it over. So, useless are the years of training, experience both personal and professional, let alone expertise and instinct. All to be replaced by protocol and sodding leaflets filled with the word BEST! It's not BEST it's just a natural process. Talk about setting up someone to fail. If I can't provide my child with the BEST then I must be doing something wrong.

 If you go on a private breastfeeding class, it may be more detailed but it is so laden with their own agenda it is hard to decipher what information you really need to take forwards. Bless them, they try hard these breastfeeding counsellors with their pretty, wholesome pictures of the whole family gathered around the maternal bosom and their role play games. We bloody know breastfeeding is good for our baby just tell us what it is really like and how to do it! Most women want to breastfeed their babies, I'm sure of it. It's cheaper for a start. There is also the feeling of satisfaction that comes from nurturing your baby from your own mighty bosom. Not to mention, if like me your boobs have always been on the generous side, there's got to be some point to all that swelling. Unfortunately it ain't what it looks like in those helpful videos and pictures. Not once did my child, when lain across my middle managed to scramble his way towards my nipple and just attach himself. Oh no, it was a world away from that. And because it isn't what we are lead to believe it will be like for so many women we are shamed into thinking it is our fault in some way. 

It all started at midnight on the 25th April 2013.. don't worry I will spare you the gory details. Suffice to say, 10 hours later, after surprising the midwife by dilating to 9 cm on just a tens machine I was finally given some gas and air and started pushing. Unfortunately I was then pushing for another 2 hours. The result- one v grumpy and tired baby. I was still in shock. The 11 days I had left of my maternity leave before D day were meant to be for a final reading up on feeding and list making, maybe some cup cake baking. Baby boy had other ideas. 

Then the trauma really began. I would happily give birth all over again than go through the hell of the five days and four nights I had to spend in hospital to get breastfeeding established. First of all there was the sleepy baby. He basically had a headache for two days and when he finally did wake up he was so angry he would turn himself purple with rage and wouldn't latch on but just scream instead. We used to call it HULK SMASH! If he wasn't purple he was yellow. Just normal jaundice but they kept testing him anyway- another way to make me feel guilty as it is linked to feeding. Other things that didn't help were his tongue- not tongue tied but more like the lapping tongue of a kitten, quite cute but not particularly helpful when they need to clamp onto your nipples. Ah the nipples. Where were they then? I'm pretty sure the last time I looked they were there but when it came to the first feed they were nowhere to be seen. I blame the heat of the hospital- you know what happens to your nips when it is cold? Well what could happen to them in 30 degree heat? The exact opposite. So massive jugs with no nips, sleepy then rage filled baby with stupid kitten tongue all add up to major feeding problems. All of this just left me with an overwhelming sense of failure. How come something so natural can be so hard? I felt like I was letting him down. I have never felt so bereft, so isolated and so alone.

Other women and babies came and went from my ward. Women who had had major surgery in the form of a c section, or an epidural. Why couldn't I go home? By day 3 I was just crying all the time, mostly due to the massive surge of hormones attached to my milk coming in. It was like wave after wave of terror and tears- tears that I had no control over at all. Midwife after midwife would come in and out- 'did you have a normal birth?' Errr... I don't know? 'Have you fed your baby yet?' Well he's asleep and now the eager grandparents are here. 'Just give him a bottle' my helpful mother would say. She was looking out for me but it made me feel worse. undermined. 

 For every super amazing midwife and HCA there was a duff one. I must have pressed the call button about a hundred times during my entire stay there. Yes I did need help but I didn't need to be scrutinised or undermined. I wanted it to work so badly but I also wanted to go home. I had to prove my baby was feeding well and putting on weight before they would set me free. The irony to all of this is that if I had said from the beginning I wanted to bottle feed they would have just let me leave, prob the day after delivery. I thought I was doing the right thing but felt like I was being punished. 

Once we got home, things did get easier. Then they got harder again. I was so pleased that my baby was finally latching on I didn't really care that I was in total toe curling agony. Cracked and bleeding nipples lead to mastitis. Every feed was torture. And as he was so hungry all the time we got HULK SMASH again, which we had to pacify with syringes of expressed milk- sometimes up to 15 of these went in before he was calm enough to feed properly. This obviously meant feeding took a long time. The longest spell was two hours with a half hour gap before the next feed. This went on and on until I was thinking of packing it all in. I went to see a lactation consultant- who was amazing. The one thing I am certain of is if it wasn't for her I would have stopped. She helped with the latching on and positioning, but mostly my self confidence at being able to nurture my baby myself. We also went to a cranial osteopath to sort out any trauma from birth. Baby was a bit squished on his way out- he looked like he'd done ten rounds in the ring so the osteopath straightened him out. The feeds got shorter and less painful. However I still had a jaundiced baby. Cue woeful incompetence from our community midwife team. They were fearing liver disease (from their list of go to problems). Had they never seen prolonged jaundice in a baby before? The GP thought they were mad. The jaundice nurse at the hospital thought they were idiots. I was just angry. Yet another reason for me to feel like I was failing my baby by not feeding him properly. It took 3 and a half weeks for him to stop looking like Bart Simpson and for the midwife to finally discharge us. 

 I did a lot of soul searching in those early weeks and sought a lot of advice from friends- which was invaluable. It took about 4 weeks before I felt happy that we were doing it right. I thought about stopping so many times but I remembered something one of the HCA said to me in hospital. She said in all the years she'd worked there she'd never seen anyone try as hard as me. I had to keep trying. Add that to all the time and money we'd spent on getting breastfeeding to work I could have been setting myself up for an even bigger fall. However, out of hospital and a few weeks in my confidence was such that I had to trust my instinct and make decisions that were right for me and my baby. I have never found breastfeeding hugely enjoyable. It can be quite boring actually and frustrating. Most babies cluster feed in the evening for several hours. Not mine- more like cluster screaming. So we give him a bottle at that time. I can't express any milk via a pump so we use formula. No apologies or explanation needed. 

So where are we now? 
Well 14 weeks in I am still breastfeeding. I am combining it with 2 bottles of formula a day. Initially I would beat myself up about this. But now I know it is right for me and my baby. My baby is happy and healthy and growing well. I am happy and healthy too. 

Well, breastfeeding education classes...they were useful. About as useful as a chocolate teapot. I know my circumstances were quite extreme and if anyone had told me it would be this hard I probably wouldn't have listened or would have demanded sterilisation on the spot. Balance is all I ask. Get rid of the rosy tinted pictures and breast is best slogans. Stop the videos of people playing happy families around the fire breastfeeding all their children merrily while singing Christmas carols (okay that didn't actually happen). Tell us something useful, keep it real, explain ALL options fairly and objectively. Give women the tools to overcome problems instead of not discussing them at all. Hiding away from the truth about breastfeeding only sets up more women to feel like failures when it doesn't go to plan. 

We survived, just about. It was a battle but not anymore. Now it is just something we do. I don't think about those early weeks any more because there are too many exciting things happening right now. My baby is smiling and almost laughing. I have just packed away all his newborn and 0-3 month clothes! He worships me and his eyes follow me around the room. He knows my voice and knows that I love him. Breastfeeding is such a tiny part of a child's life and a tiny part of the huge decision making journey that is being a parent, in the end it doesn't have to be a battle. You just have to feed them. And love them. 

Mixed feeding

Most objective thing I've read about mixed feeding

http://www.babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=178503.0

Not news about the Royal Baby

YOUR COMPLAINT:

Complaint Summary: Constant speculation is not news

Full Complaint: Dear BBC, I am turning you off as I would like to watch some news. I cannot bare the pointless speculation and conjecture about the royal baby any longer. You have been told there will be no news until the baby is born yet poor old Nicholas Witchell is sent to hang out outside the hospital to receive this no news at regular intervals. You keep cutting to him for updates even though you have been told there will be no updates! What groundbreaking broadcasting. I know what we can do to pad this out a bit. Let's find some doctor with a qualification off the internet to chat to about what may or may not be happening in the royal labour right now. Or we could ask a columnist from the Daily Mail what they think? Oh no.. let's go back to Nick again. So any news?

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Thank you again for contacting us.

BBC Complaints

Things I have learnt since being a mum

Really enjoyed everyone's response to these. So here they all are in one place:

#1:  life starts now (or no life, depending on how you look at it).
#2:  I need to get better at using my left hand to do stuff! Especially testing and tyipin.

#3: babies are like cats. Refusing to sleep in the nice bed you've bought them! On people is much better.

#4: midwives are evil- trust your own instincts!

#5: When baby starts crying in company and somebody utters the phrase 'Aaah is he due a feed?' you will have an uncontrollable urge to punch them in the face.

#6: breastfeeding is really hard. I mean the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It is not comforting or pleasurable. It can be soul destroying and heartbreaking. Anyone who says it is easy and that it comes naturally to most women needs to shut up and replace their thinly veiled judgement with support and admiration for those of us who are trying our best.

#7: You truly come to understand and demonstrate buggy rage. 'I've just had a baby and it has taken me an hour to leave the house. Now get out of my fucking way!'

#8: Babies have the most amazing sense of timing and seem to wake up and want feeding at the precise moment dinner is on the table, whenever you want to leave the house, when you are supposed to be meeting someone...

#9: Babies make great hot water bottles.

#10: This prob should've been number 1 but anyway- writing a birth plan is a complete waste of time! Correction; hoping things will go according to plan is a waste of time.

#11: Sometimes you will poke your baby while they are asleep to check they are still alive.

#12: Anything you vowed to never do as a parent is quickly replaced by the phrase 'Oh well, it won't kill them.'

#13: Being a mummy is like going to Glastonbury. Wet wipe wash and dry shampoo and I'm good to go!

#14: When your baby hasn't done a poo for 4 days my god do you know about it when they finally let rip = Bumageddon. #15: The people who package baby wipes are essentially sadistic bastards. I either seem to pull out 6 all at once in a massive clump or can't even get hold of one!

#16: Only people who had a baby about 20 years ago say stupid things like 'enjoy it now' or 'this is the best bit' You have got to be kidding me! #17: I'm gonna say it- tiny babies are actually quite boring. Gasp! #18: You thought your baby was grumpy before their first lot of immunisations? Think again! #19: You can call your baby whatever the hell you want but if you don't have a natural birth and exclusively breastfeed them for 6 months apparently you are some kind of witch mother. #20: In Tesco where the formula is there is a sign saying not to buy more than two boxes, presumably so that all the other babies don't starve. On the other hand formula is the only thing you can't earn clubcard points on, apart from fags. One hand giveth the other taketh away. #21: Size labelling in children's clothing bares no resemblance to the size the child actually is. #22: A little smile makes it all worthwhile.

Things I have learnt since being a mum

#1: life starts now (or no life, depending on how you look at it).

I've finally done it. Not content with ranting on facebook and twitter I thought I would share my opinions with the world via the medium of a blog. You lucky people. At the moment, this blog is subject specific; mostly concerning babies and motherhood. Here we go again, I hear you say. Another yummy mummy who can't talk about anything else, spouting her mantra about how to get your baby to stand on its head at 8 weeks and what your pelvic floor should be doing by now blah blah blah. But fear not, dear reader, this blog is anything of the sort. I aim to just recount my experiences of being a new mum, with a huge helping of honesty and a sense of humour; something I found severely lacking in all the guides, books, magazine articles and backs of fag packets that I have read pre and post birth in the hope of getting some sort of reasoned answer. Disclaimer#1: These are  just my opinions and experiences and you are perfectly entitled to think they are a load of boohickey. I will try not to upset you but you can always unfollow. Disclaimer#2: Being a bit of a grammar nazi, I am fully prepared to be hoisted by my own petard with some foul apostrophe abuse or being a bit liberal with the dash when I can't be bothered to find the semi-colon button. So, if you think Gina Ford is the leader of the baby gestapo and the concept of a routine is all but a distant memory of the student union, dancing in a pissed haze to Reach for the Stars, then this is probably the blog for you. Read on. 

Slight revision: In the intervening three years I couldn't be arsed to keep this blog up and it has now been resurrected as a general ranting platform. Also, I think @TheUnmumsyMum says it way better than me!