Things I have learnt since being a mum

Really enjoyed everyone's response to these. So here they all are in one place:

#1:  life starts now (or no life, depending on how you look at it).
#2:  I need to get better at using my left hand to do stuff! Especially testing and tyipin.

#3: babies are like cats. Refusing to sleep in the nice bed you've bought them! On people is much better.

#4: midwives are evil- trust your own instincts!

#5: When baby starts crying in company and somebody utters the phrase 'Aaah is he due a feed?' you will have an uncontrollable urge to punch them in the face.

#6: breastfeeding is really hard. I mean the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It is not comforting or pleasurable. It can be soul destroying and heartbreaking. Anyone who says it is easy and that it comes naturally to most women needs to shut up and replace their thinly veiled judgement with support and admiration for those of us who are trying our best.

#7: You truly come to understand and demonstrate buggy rage. 'I've just had a baby and it has taken me an hour to leave the house. Now get out of my fucking way!'

#8: Babies have the most amazing sense of timing and seem to wake up and want feeding at the precise moment dinner is on the table, whenever you want to leave the house, when you are supposed to be meeting someone...

#9: Babies make great hot water bottles.

#10: This prob should've been number 1 but anyway- writing a birth plan is a complete waste of time! Correction; hoping things will go according to plan is a waste of time.

#11: Sometimes you will poke your baby while they are asleep to check they are still alive.

#12: Anything you vowed to never do as a parent is quickly replaced by the phrase 'Oh well, it won't kill them.'

#13: Being a mummy is like going to Glastonbury. Wet wipe wash and dry shampoo and I'm good to go!

#14: When your baby hasn't done a poo for 4 days my god do you know about it when they finally let rip = Bumageddon. #15: The people who package baby wipes are essentially sadistic bastards. I either seem to pull out 6 all at once in a massive clump or can't even get hold of one!

#16: Only people who had a baby about 20 years ago say stupid things like 'enjoy it now' or 'this is the best bit' You have got to be kidding me! #17: I'm gonna say it- tiny babies are actually quite boring. Gasp! #18: You thought your baby was grumpy before their first lot of immunisations? Think again! #19: You can call your baby whatever the hell you want but if you don't have a natural birth and exclusively breastfeed them for 6 months apparently you are some kind of witch mother. #20: In Tesco where the formula is there is a sign saying not to buy more than two boxes, presumably so that all the other babies don't starve. On the other hand formula is the only thing you can't earn clubcard points on, apart from fags. One hand giveth the other taketh away. #21: Size labelling in children's clothing bares no resemblance to the size the child actually is. #22: A little smile makes it all worthwhile.